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Posts Tagged ‘Weekend Warning’

Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…

SurrogatesPosterSurrogates

Synopsis: Living life through a robot turns out to be a bad idea.

Troy: Living vicariously through your children is a much better plan, obviously.

Torch: I’ll get my robot to contact my people to contact your people to contact your robot to talk to you about what I think about this movie.

PandorumPosterPandorum

Synopsis: Humans stuck on ship in deep space with evil things.

Troy: I was stuck in an elevator with a stranger, which was really awkward, so…I think I can sympathize with these guys.

Torch:How come we never get stuck in deep space with monsters that use their 15 tentacles to give deep tissue massages and make pancakes?

FamePosterFame

Synopsis: School for people that want to be famous.

Troy: The school for “Fame” nowadays would include only two classes: acting like you’re street-rat crazy, and mailing in your reality-show audition tape.

Torch: Amazing how few actually famous people are in a movie called fame.

CapitalismPosterCapitalism: A Love Story

Synopsis: Michael Moore exposes the truth that corporations try to make money.

Troy: I didn’t understand it in cartoons, and I don’t get it now…if you don’t want people to know you’re carrying money, why put it in a bag with a $?

Torch: Michael Moore wanted to do a documentary on people living in trees to protest bulldozers and what not, but he doesn’t climb too well and they wouldn’t come down.

BoysAreBackPosterThe Boys Are Back

Synopsis: After wife dies, man must raise his two sons alone.

Troy: I heard a song about this…but “The Boys Are Back in Town” seems a little too cheery for the subject matter.

Torch: This movie would have a better chance of making money if it was just a loop of this…

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Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…

9Poster9

Synopsis: Post-apocalyptic puppets.

Troy: Imagine if these creatures started dueling one another – it would replace Battlebots as the new “human creation fighting matches”, and knitters would become the new engineers.

Torch: 9-9-09 passed and the worst thing that happened was Paula Abdul got kicked off idol.  All is well.

SororityRowPosterSorority Row

Synopsis: I Know What You Did Last Summer: the College Years.

Troy: A sorority accidentally stumbles upon a slave galley, and soon the girls find themselves chained to oars and forced to power the old-school vessel across the Atlantic.  Only their enduring belief that it will tone their buns, abs, and thighs keeps them going.

Torch: Like actual colleges, college movies can be judged based on the number of Asians in them.  This movie only has 1 and therefor sucks.

ICanDoBadPosterTyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself

Synopsis: Woman finds redemption or something.

Troy: So like, is the implication that it usually takes more than one person to do something evil?

Torch: Bad if you pay to see this movie by yourself.  Worse if you and others pay to see it.

WhiteoutPosterWhiteout

Synopsis: Murders in Antarctica.

Troy: Is it just a coincidence that this movie called “Whiteout”, and a movie called “White on Rice”, come out the same day as the new Tyler Perry movie?  Or is Hollywood balancing itself out?

Torch: Who’s laws do they follow in Antarctica?  Is it even illegal to kill someone there?

BeyondAReasonablePosterBeyond A Reasonable Doubt

Synopsis: Pesky journalist just won’t leave corrupt DA alone.

Troy: Corruption, for lack of a better word, is good.

Torch: This must be a story set in the past cause last time I checked there were no journalists left.

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Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…

GamerPosterGamer

Synopsis: Nerd controls jock.

Troy: Contrary to popular belief, Gerard Butler isn’t actually a womanizer.  He merely picks up hot chicks and brings them back to his apartment for some good old-fashioned…video games.

Torch: ‘Cause movies targeting gamers don’t have to have a good plot.

AllAboutStevePosterAll About Steve

Synopsis: Women stalker does what stalkers (and many women) do best: stalks.

Troy: Remember when you had that totally hot chick stalking you and you just couldn’t get away from her?  No?  Oh, that’s right, it never happened.

Torch: It is all about Steve.. Madden and his totally chic fall line!

ExtractPosterExtract

Synopsis: ??? something about vanilla extract ???

Troy: When an ex-CIA agent’s former partner gets caught behind enemy lines, it’s up to him to put a team together and extract…oh wait, that’s a movie I’d actually want to see.

Torch: Maybe they are saving the funny parts for the actual movie?

CarriersPosterCarriers

Synopsis: Generic horror.

Troy: Anybody who has played Starcraft against the Protoss knows that these can be terrifying.   Anybody who hasn’t is not a nerd.

Torch: Scary as one long Verizon commercial…

AmreekaPosterAmreeka

Synopsis: Immigrants come to small-town America.

Troy: It’s funny because the culture of these people coming from West Bank is different from those living in Illinois…get it?

Torch: Didn’t this amreeka girl just win a spelling bee or something as well?

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Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…

FinalDestinationPosterThe Final Destination 3D

Synopsis: Death makes people die.

Troy: If you really want to see a bunch of NASCAR fans trying to cheat death in 3D, just pack your bags and head to a Florida retirement community.

Torch: You know what I wish death would hunt down and kill for good?  Hollywood’s desire to make crappy horror movie sequels.

TakingWoodstockPosterTaking Woodstock

Synopsis: Festival planning.

Troy: Snoopy’s gonna be pissed.

Torch: Dimitri Martin didn’t even need to visit wardrobe to star in this movie.

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HalloweenPosterHalloween II

Synopsis: Big guy kills people.

Troy: When the victims hear that Mike Myers is back, do you think they become terrified at the prospect of another Love Guru, only to relax when they discover it’s merely a knife-wielding maniac after them?  I do.

Torch: Historically speaking we are actually approaching Halloween # 1,053

EdgeOftheworldPosterAt the Edge of the World

Synopsis: Whale Wars: the movie.

Troy: If Moby Dick is going to start a war, he’d better be prepared to finish it.

Torch: Another movie further promoting the propaganda that the earth is flat..

BigFanPosterBig Fan

Synopsis: Big fat fan puts big fat loyalty to the test.

Troy: Tells the story behind the mechanical device developed to dissipate the world’s smelliest farts.

Torch: A movie based on a sports star committing a crime?  This would never happen.  They are role models people!

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Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…

IGBasterdsPosterInglourious Basterds

Synopsis: Nazi killing.

Troy: Brad Pitt personally gives each Nazi the Gimp-In-the-Basement treatment from Pulp Fiction.

Torch: This Nazi movie is a definite not see for me…

ShortsPosterShorts

Synopsis: Kids find wishing rock.

Troy: As you can see in this movie, we teach our American kids that MAGIC = GOOD, TECHNOLOGY = BAD.  Still wondering why you bought that BMW instead of a Ford?

Torch: Screw this rainbow rock.  Where’s the gold?  I WANT THE GOLD!

PostGradPosterPost Grad

Synopsis: Girl can’t find a job.

Troy: We’ll need to borrow that Fox Searchlight to spot a funny moment in this movie.

Torch: I feel like this movie needs an “and” to the plot.  Girl can’t find job and…. must eat nothing but McDonald’s for a month.  Now I am interested…

XGames3DPosterX Games 3D: The Movie

Synopsis: Dudes trying to kill themselves.

Troy: Does Shaun White get paid more for this movie, or for his Carrot Top act in Vegas?

Torch: Lets just jump 10 years into the future of X games and start strapping these guys to rockets now.

OneAndOnlyPosterMy One and Only

Synopsis: Aging woman on the road.

Troy: The only reason I can imagine Kevin would be in a movie like this: he wants to get it down to “Five Degrees” to Kevin Bacon.

Torch: Which Renee will we see?  The chubby pathetic one like in Bridget Jones?  Or the skinny pathetic one from all her other movies?

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Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…

TimeTravelersWifeTime Traveler’s Wife

Synopsis: Woman marries a Time Traveler.

Troy: So if a guy tells his wife he’s a time traveler, he has a built-in excuse for ditching her for weeks on end.  All you need to do is hire an old homeless man once in a while to claim to be YOU from the future.

Torch: I will go see this movie if Eric Bana promises to  say, “I wrote you every day for 100 Million years!”

TheGoodsGoods: Live Hard, Sell Hard

Synopsis: Car salesman sells cars.

Troy: So does this movie make car salesmen look MORE or LESS slimy than in real life?

Torch: Do you think that when this movie bombs, the studio will be able to declare bankruptcy and emerge as a “new” studio after having sold its bad memories of making this film to the government?

District9MiniDistrict 9

Synopsis: Aliens in a chicken coop…or coup d’etat.

Troy: Not to be confused with District 8, which chronicles the Plainsville, Montana  mayoral election between Ed Studabaker and Sally Reynolds.

Torch: I have a feeling these aliens will just go home if I give them Reese’s Pieces and my bike.

PaperHeartPaper Heart

Synopsis: Emo chick meets emo guy or something.

Troy: What happens when Cera stops being able to play the cute, awkward teenager and becomes a 102 lb adult whose girlfriends want more from him than a blank, confused stare?

Torch:I don’t like these movies about nerds meeting and falling in love.  They are UN-AMERICAN!

BandSlamBandslam

Synopsis: High School Musical with guitars.

Troy: Any time you team up a High School Musical star (Hudgens) with a washed up Friends actor (Lisa Kudrow) to act out a hacky plot you’re sure to get cinematic brilliance, right?  Funny, 17 Again (Zac Efron + Matthew Perry) would beg to differ.

Torch: I am SOOOO glad I was a child of the 90’s.  Who knows what I would of grown up to be like if this is what was cool when I was a tween….

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