Posts Tagged ‘Troy’

Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…


Synopsis: Living life through a robot turns out to be a bad idea.

Troy: Living vicariously through your children is a much better plan, obviously.

Torch: I’ll get my robot to contact my people to contact your people to contact your robot to talk to you about what I think about this movie.


Synopsis: Humans stuck on ship in deep space with evil things.

Troy: I was stuck in an elevator with a stranger, which was really awkward, so…I think I can sympathize with these guys.

Torch:How come we never get stuck in deep space with monsters that use their 15 tentacles to give deep tissue massages and make pancakes?


Synopsis: School for people that want to be famous.

Troy: The school for “Fame” nowadays would include only two classes: acting like you’re street-rat crazy, and mailing in your reality-show audition tape.

Torch: Amazing how few actually famous people are in a movie called fame.

CapitalismPosterCapitalism: A Love Story

Synopsis: Michael Moore exposes the truth that corporations try to make money.

Troy: I didn’t understand it in cartoons, and I don’t get it now…if you don’t want people to know you’re carrying money, why put it in a bag with a $?

Torch: Michael Moore wanted to do a documentary on people living in trees to protest bulldozers and what not, but he doesn’t climb too well and they wouldn’t come down.

BoysAreBackPosterThe Boys Are Back

Synopsis: After wife dies, man must raise his two sons alone.

Troy: I heard a song about this…but “The Boys Are Back in Town” seems a little too cheery for the subject matter.

Torch: This movie would have a better chance of making money if it was just a loop of this…


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Love Happens- Romantic comedy about a guy who doesn’t want to be a motivational speaker (but somehow ended up being one) falling in love with a hot florist.  3 parts romance/1 part comedy

The Informant! – a corporate insider threatens to expose his company.  Only his company just sells corn, the informant is in love with being a spy, and, because he wants others to know it as well, he’s not very good. Yeah, we’re laughing at you Michael Clayton and The Insider.

Edge: The Informant


Leading Man

Love Happens- With his two major roles being from Thank You for Smoking and The Dark Knight, Aaron Eckhart is  the man.  Plus, he could probably store at least a pound of rations in his chin cleft if you ever took him on a camping trip.

The Informant! Good Will Hunting, Saving Private Ryan, Rounders, Ocean’s Eleven, Bourne Identity, The Departed…would somebody even bat an eye if you told them those were your 6 favorite films? Those chin rations won’t save you against this barrage of movies Aaron.

Edge: The Informant


Leading Woman

Love Happens- Jennifer Aniston is clearly hot, and clearly famous for one role she played quite a while  ago (no, not from Office Space).  Jennifer, you have been with an actor, a musician, and a comedian.  You need to round out with an athlete and I just happened to be captain of my high school baseball team.

The Informant – There, uh, is no leading lady.  Rusty Schwimmer is the closest thing, but…it’s just never a good thing when you’re female and your name is “rusty”.

Edge: Love Happens

when I was in High school, even I wanted this haircut

when I was in High school, even I wanted this haircut


Love Happens- This preview hits a home run with an 0-2 count.

Strike one- Couple meets by bumping into each other.  Really guys?  Nothing better than that?

Strike two-  The main male character says he has to go and then we see him running through a forest backdrop  so fake it makes the Hills look like a documentary.

Homerun-  Hollywood’s amazing ability to name movies.  See how they took a popular idiom and replaced one word with the word love?  It works great.  Try it on your favorite.  ( Mine are, ” he bit off more than he could love”, and “It’s raining cats and love.”)

The Informant! – reels you in, making you think it’s a serious conspiracy film, then BAM…hits you with the comedy.  Solid work preview makers.  The only request I have: more shots of that ‘stache.


Edge: The Informant!


Love Happens- The soundtrack to a preview is very key.  And although the Goo Goo Dolls “Better Days” has been used 38 times before, it still gets single female rear ends into movie theaters and sobbing.

The Informant – We have “Flight of the Valkyries” for this background song…too overplayed, and doesn’t really fit.  Besides, do you know what a Valkyrie is?  (“Tom Cruise” will not be accepted as a valid answer).

Edge: Love Happens

lhgoogledollsedWinner: The Informant!

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Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…


Synopsis: Post-apocalyptic puppets.

Troy: Imagine if these creatures started dueling one another – it would replace Battlebots as the new “human creation fighting matches”, and knitters would become the new engineers.

Torch: 9-9-09 passed and the worst thing that happened was Paula Abdul got kicked off idol.  All is well.

SororityRowPosterSorority Row

Synopsis: I Know What You Did Last Summer: the College Years.

Troy: A sorority accidentally stumbles upon a slave galley, and soon the girls find themselves chained to oars and forced to power the old-school vessel across the Atlantic.  Only their enduring belief that it will tone their buns, abs, and thighs keeps them going.

Torch: Like actual colleges, college movies can be judged based on the number of Asians in them.  This movie only has 1 and therefor sucks.

ICanDoBadPosterTyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself

Synopsis: Woman finds redemption or something.

Troy: So like, is the implication that it usually takes more than one person to do something evil?

Torch: Bad if you pay to see this movie by yourself.  Worse if you and others pay to see it.


Synopsis: Murders in Antarctica.

Troy: Is it just a coincidence that this movie called “Whiteout”, and a movie called “White on Rice”, come out the same day as the new Tyler Perry movie?  Or is Hollywood balancing itself out?

Torch: Who’s laws do they follow in Antarctica?  Is it even illegal to kill someone there?

BeyondAReasonablePosterBeyond A Reasonable Doubt

Synopsis: Pesky journalist just won’t leave corrupt DA alone.

Troy: Corruption, for lack of a better word, is good.

Torch: This must be a story set in the past cause last time I checked there were no journalists left.

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With Jimmy Neutron and Meet the Robinsons coming out recently, clearly the public did not need another computer-animated movie about a child-inventor…which is why they went a totally different route and made the inventor an adult that merely acts like a child.  But you know what?  I’ll take another kids movie about an inventor, for two reasons: 1) it encourages creative scientific solutions instead of magic (I’m looking at you, Shorts), and 2) as Torch mentioned yesterday, it isn’t a vampire movie.

We now get a CW show as well about attractive vampires in highschool...

We now get a CW show as well about attractive vampires in highschool...

My real beef (get it? beef as in ground beef, which makes up meatballs? yah?) with this movie is the invention itself:  sure, the intentions are noble, but ending world hunger with a machine that turns water into food still has the problem that poor people in Africa without food also don’t have water.   So, nice try, but no.

CloudyWithAChanceVampireWaterAnd yet, even without a practical purpose, even I can admit that turning water into hamburgers is freaking amazing and the inventor is a genius.  Why is it that in these types of movies, the inventor has only one shot at a demonstration, and if one silly thing goes wrong everyone writes the inventor off as an idiot? Take his “hair” grower for example:

CloudyWithAChanceHairWe have demonstrated proof of hair growing in previously bald areas within seconds, and yet nobody comes calling because it was a little too potent?  Nobody wants to build on that, eh?  Rogaine, you’re cool with a product that may work to regrow hair over a long period of time…don’t even want a sniff of this, huh? OK.

Having taken all this into account, however, the bottom line is that it’s a movie for kids.  And despite the animation looking like it’s a bit on the lower end, there are a few reasons to see this movie:

1) The dude is getting chased by pizza.  Anything that works that into the plot gets an A+ for creativity.

Getting chased by delicious food is like getting stalked by a hot chick...it's bad, technically, but part of you is glad it's happening, right?

Getting chased by delicious food is like getting stalked by a hot chick...it's bad, technically, but part of you is glad it's happening, right?

2) Everything looks delicious.  It may make me sound like a fatty, but watching that school get destroyed by those pancakes, with a slice of butter and some dripping syrup on top, sure made my mouth water.

CloudyWithAChanceVampirePankcakes3) It has more words in the title than Meatballs, therefore it must be better, and Meatballs was classic Bill Murray.

CloudyWithAChanceMeatballs4) Bruce Campbell does the voice of the mayor, and he is flat-out awesome.

Whether it be Army of Darkness or Burn Notice, Bruce Campbell gets things done.

Whether it be Army of Darkness or Burn Notice, Bruce Campbell gets things done.

So yes, I will recommend seeing it.

Rating: 3 out of 4

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Sorority Row

In order to simulate a real rush event, I’m going to go ahead and introduce the major girls of this sorority.  Also, since we don’t know who or what is actually killing off the girls, I present a guess as to the most likely enemy of each girl — the person that may want them dead. We have…

1. Jamie Chung

SororityJamieChungIntro: started off as an MTV Real World star.  I’d love to say she graduated to “actress” in the movie Dragonball Evolution, but I had the unfortunate privilege of seeing that particular film on a plane flight…trust me, there was no “acting” done in that movie.  On a more positive note, it’s about time there was some Asian representation in the Hollywood Greek system, given their large population in US universities.

SororityOozaruMost likely enemy that might be trying to kill her: Oozaru. This monkey-monster thing was an enemy in Dragonball.  I was originally considering whether it might be one of her Real World cast mates, but couldn’t imagine any of them summoning the ambition required for a premeditated murder.

2. Audrina Patridge

SororityAudrinaIntro: if you were worried we’d only have one MTV reality star pretending to be an actress, this should put your fears to rest.  Audrina, known for being herself on The Hills, is (I think/hope) the first one killed.

SororityHamburglerMost likely enemy that might be trying to kill her: Hamburgler.  You thought I might go the Spencer or Heidi route here, but Audrina did that commercial for Carl’s Jr. in the gold bikini, making the McDonald’s folk pretty angry.  Hamburgler has the criminal record, so he’ll do the dirty work.

3. Rumer Willis

SororityRumerWillisIntro: the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore.  I’d say that this was a case of nepotism, but look at the roles she’s been in: Striptease, Whore, House Bunny, and now this.  She’s like the kid who wins first place at the science fair because her entry is so crappy…it’s the only one that the parents clearly didn’t help with.

SororityKutcherMost likely enemy that might be trying to kill her: Ashton Kutcher.  She’s been giving him the “don’t sleep with my mom” stink-eye for far too long.

4. Briana Evigan


Intro: when your most respectable young actress is the one known for playing a dancer in Step Up 2 The Streets, you know you’re in trouble.  Step Up 2 The Streets made our list of the Ten Worst Movie Previews of 2008…but hey, she’s hot, and there’s a short clip of her dancing at a party in this preview.

SororityAPMost likely enemy that might be trying to kill her: Anna Pavlova.  Typically considered the most famous classical ballet dancer of all time, she hates what these young (and alive) whippersnappers have done with the tradition of dance.

5. Carrie Fisher

Intro: it’s true, 98% of Star Wars nerds would still go gaga over her, but more for historical purposes than for any other reason.  She’s one of those women that men have been trying to ignore for the past 25 years, so they could continue to maintain the image in their head of the bikini-clad slave girl in Return of the Jedi.  I’ll admit that I was thoroughly confused at seeing her part in this movie…I still am.

SororityJabbaMost likely enemy that might be trying to kill her: Jabba the Hutt.  Sure, she had plenty of enemies, but she killed (or did she?!) Jabba with a chain around the neck…and all he wanted was a little love.  That’s cold.

So there you have it…some fine “talent” there.  You’ll also find the following other characters in the credits, for which they didn’t bother to come up with names: “Bra-Clad Sister”,”Trampoline Sister”, “Over-It Sister”,”Thwarted Guy”,”Slutty Sister”,”Nerdy Underclassman”,”Already Drunk Sister”,”Hot Guy”,”Stoned Dude”,”Wasted Guy”.  Awesome.

Based on how over-the-top and poorly acted this movie appeared in the previews, I was debating over whether this was tongue-in-cheek or not.  Taking one more look at the cast, I’m going to go with “no”.  Maybe this will turn out to have all the perfect elements of horror, sexiness, and campiness come together, but I’ll bet against it.

Rating: 1 out of 4

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Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…


Synopsis: Nerd controls jock.

Troy: Contrary to popular belief, Gerard Butler isn’t actually a womanizer.  He merely picks up hot chicks and brings them back to his apartment for some good old-fashioned…video games.

Torch: ‘Cause movies targeting gamers don’t have to have a good plot.

AllAboutStevePosterAll About Steve

Synopsis: Women stalker does what stalkers (and many women) do best: stalks.

Troy: Remember when you had that totally hot chick stalking you and you just couldn’t get away from her?  No?  Oh, that’s right, it never happened.

Torch: It is all about Steve.. Madden and his totally chic fall line!


Synopsis: ??? something about vanilla extract ???

Troy: When an ex-CIA agent’s former partner gets caught behind enemy lines, it’s up to him to put a team together and extract…oh wait, that’s a movie I’d actually want to see.

Torch: Maybe they are saving the funny parts for the actual movie?


Synopsis: Generic horror.

Troy: Anybody who has played Starcraft against the Protoss knows that these can be terrifying.   Anybody who hasn’t is not a nerd.

Torch: Scary as one long Verizon commercial…


Synopsis: Immigrants come to small-town America.

Troy: It’s funny because the culture of these people coming from West Bank is different from those living in Illinois…get it?

Torch: Didn’t this amreeka girl just win a spelling bee or something as well?

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First of all, I love how there is a 5 second clip of Kate Beckinsale in the shower when we are first introduced to her character.  And — don’t get me wrong — I’m not being entirely sarcastic.  It just seems like a cheap bit of pandering at first.

Whiteout1But then you start to think, “wait, even in those crappy horror flicks with the sorority girls in the shower, at least some monster or serial killer is sneaking up on them at the same time.”  Here, she just goes from taking her shower to the radio, with no real urgency other than that she got a call.  That’s pretty weak, even for a “sex sells” moment.

Apparently the trailer requires more than one angle of her in the shower...

Apparently the trailer requires more than one angle of her in the shower...

And then, right when you’re about to move on and ignore it, the second thought hits: “wait, aren’t they in Antarctica?”  Doesn’t it cost like $1000 per minute for hot water on that continent?  Think of the electricity required to heat it up in that cold!  But Kate’s just kicking back, streaming water over her hair, fogging up the glass like she hasn’t a care in the world.  Meanwhile, they’ve just had to lay off 4 more research scientists from the compound.  The budget is minuscule, but noooo, they couldn’t possibly tell Kate to keep her shower under 20 minutes.

Take your time sweetie...it's only $10k for this luxury.

Take your time sweetie...it's only $10k for this luxury.

But if you’re able to get passed that, the other thing that stands out in this trailer is that we have no idea who or what is attacking the research center.  Fine.  But allow me to venture a guess — Penguins.


They are the only thing I know famous for inhabiting Antarctica.  With all the movies about those tuxedo-laden ice birds in recent years, it was only a matter of time before we got another.  Now they are back…with a vengeance!

I picture it as a version of Alfred Hitchcock’s Birds…only these birds can’t fly, and they are adorably cute as they tear off your limbs.

Get it?  March as in military march...mobilization of the troops?

"The March of the Penguins", as Torchette dubbed it.

Or maybe, as the title suggests, the very thing we are meant to fear is the “whiteness” itself.  I, for one, would applaud such equal opportunity villainy.  Far too long we’ve been stuck with movies like Darkness Falls and Pitch Black, where it is the darkness that is meant to scare us…I have been calling for a brightness-is-evil plot for years now.  Thankfully, Whiteout has heeded my call.

Unfortunately, the movie that we are presented in the trailer does not look particularly interesting.  The only thing that is established is that, once again, Kate Beckinsale takes a shower at some point in the movie.  And given Kate’s history of producing thoroughly mediocre action/horror films — Van Helsing, Underworld, Vacancy — I’d probably assume it’ll land somewhere in that range.

Rating – 2.5 out of 4

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