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Posts Tagged ‘Torch’

Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…

SurrogatesPosterSurrogates

Synopsis: Living life through a robot turns out to be a bad idea.

Troy: Living vicariously through your children is a much better plan, obviously.

Torch: I’ll get my robot to contact my people to contact your people to contact your robot to talk to you about what I think about this movie.

PandorumPosterPandorum

Synopsis: Humans stuck on ship in deep space with evil things.

Troy: I was stuck in an elevator with a stranger, which was really awkward, so…I think I can sympathize with these guys.

Torch:How come we never get stuck in deep space with monsters that use their 15 tentacles to give deep tissue massages and make pancakes?

FamePosterFame

Synopsis: School for people that want to be famous.

Troy: The school for “Fame” nowadays would include only two classes: acting like you’re street-rat crazy, and mailing in your reality-show audition tape.

Torch: Amazing how few actually famous people are in a movie called fame.

CapitalismPosterCapitalism: A Love Story

Synopsis: Michael Moore exposes the truth that corporations try to make money.

Troy: I didn’t understand it in cartoons, and I don’t get it now…if you don’t want people to know you’re carrying money, why put it in a bag with a $?

Torch: Michael Moore wanted to do a documentary on people living in trees to protest bulldozers and what not, but he doesn’t climb too well and they wouldn’t come down.

BoysAreBackPosterThe Boys Are Back

Synopsis: After wife dies, man must raise his two sons alone.

Troy: I heard a song about this…but “The Boys Are Back in Town” seems a little too cheery for the subject matter.

Torch: This movie would have a better chance of making money if it was just a loop of this…

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vs.

Premise

Love Happens- Romantic comedy about a guy who doesn’t want to be a motivational speaker (but somehow ended up being one) falling in love with a hot florist.  3 parts romance/1 part comedy

The Informant! – a corporate insider threatens to expose his company.  Only his company just sells corn, the informant is in love with being a spy, and, because he wants others to know it as well, he’s not very good. Yeah, we’re laughing at you Michael Clayton and The Insider.

Edge: The Informant

TheInformant1

Leading Man

Love Happens- With his two major roles being from Thank You for Smoking and The Dark Knight, Aaron Eckhart is  the man.  Plus, he could probably store at least a pound of rations in his chin cleft if you ever took him on a camping trip.

The Informant! Good Will Hunting, Saving Private Ryan, Rounders, Ocean’s Eleven, Bourne Identity, The Departed…would somebody even bat an eye if you told them those were your 6 favorite films? Those chin rations won’t save you against this barrage of movies Aaron.

Edge: The Informant

MattDamon

Leading Woman

Love Happens- Jennifer Aniston is clearly hot, and clearly famous for one role she played quite a while  ago (no, not from Office Space).  Jennifer, you have been with an actor, a musician, and a comedian.  You need to round out with an athlete and I just happened to be captain of my high school baseball team.

The Informant – There, uh, is no leading lady.  Rusty Schwimmer is the closest thing, but…it’s just never a good thing when you’re female and your name is “rusty”.

Edge: Love Happens

when I was in High school, even I wanted this haircut

when I was in High school, even I wanted this haircut

Preview

Love Happens- This preview hits a home run with an 0-2 count.

Strike one- Couple meets by bumping into each other.  Really guys?  Nothing better than that?

Strike two-  The main male character says he has to go and then we see him running through a forest backdrop  so fake it makes the Hills look like a documentary.

Homerun-  Hollywood’s amazing ability to name movies.  See how they took a popular idiom and replaced one word with the word love?  It works great.  Try it on your favorite.  ( Mine are, ” he bit off more than he could love”, and “It’s raining cats and love.”)

The Informant! – reels you in, making you think it’s a serious conspiracy film, then BAM…hits you with the comedy.  Solid work preview makers.  The only request I have: more shots of that ‘stache.

TheInformant2

Edge: The Informant!

X-Factor

Love Happens- The soundtrack to a preview is very key.  And although the Goo Goo Dolls “Better Days” has been used 38 times before, it still gets single female rear ends into movie theaters and sobbing.

The Informant – We have “Flight of the Valkyries” for this background song…too overplayed, and doesn’t really fit.  Besides, do you know what a Valkyrie is?  (“Tom Cruise” will not be accepted as a valid answer).

Edge: Love Happens

lhgoogledollsedWinner: The Informant!

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Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…

9Poster9

Synopsis: Post-apocalyptic puppets.

Troy: Imagine if these creatures started dueling one another – it would replace Battlebots as the new “human creation fighting matches”, and knitters would become the new engineers.

Torch: 9-9-09 passed and the worst thing that happened was Paula Abdul got kicked off idol.  All is well.

SororityRowPosterSorority Row

Synopsis: I Know What You Did Last Summer: the College Years.

Troy: A sorority accidentally stumbles upon a slave galley, and soon the girls find themselves chained to oars and forced to power the old-school vessel across the Atlantic.  Only their enduring belief that it will tone their buns, abs, and thighs keeps them going.

Torch: Like actual colleges, college movies can be judged based on the number of Asians in them.  This movie only has 1 and therefor sucks.

ICanDoBadPosterTyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself

Synopsis: Woman finds redemption or something.

Troy: So like, is the implication that it usually takes more than one person to do something evil?

Torch: Bad if you pay to see this movie by yourself.  Worse if you and others pay to see it.

WhiteoutPosterWhiteout

Synopsis: Murders in Antarctica.

Troy: Is it just a coincidence that this movie called “Whiteout”, and a movie called “White on Rice”, come out the same day as the new Tyler Perry movie?  Or is Hollywood balancing itself out?

Torch: Who’s laws do they follow in Antarctica?  Is it even illegal to kill someone there?

BeyondAReasonablePosterBeyond A Reasonable Doubt

Synopsis: Pesky journalist just won’t leave corrupt DA alone.

Troy: Corruption, for lack of a better word, is good.

Torch: This must be a story set in the past cause last time I checked there were no journalists left.

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Jennifer’s Body

The only thing  scarier than the trend of musical based movies and the proliferation of movies staring Zac Efron is the current trend of vampires.  They are everywhere.  We have hundreds of books, about 5 shows and more and more movies based on vampires coming out every year.  I don’t understand it, but apparently chubby goth girls think that vampires will love them even though no one else will.  This gives them hope and Hot Topic the best financial quarter they have had in years.

Yes.  People actually pay to look like this

Yes. People actually pay money to look like this

We see this in Hollywood and popular culture every couple of years.  First, we had the superhero trend,  then pirates, followed by the  dwarves/elfs trend, then the wizard/magic trend and now finally we have the vampire trend.  These trends usually result in true fans being angry because, “they were wizards/vampires/comic book nerds before it was cool to be a wizard/vampire/comic book nerd.”  Girls however are not impressed and will still not kiss them.

lets combine 2 things that have not been overdone at all.  Penguins AND ninjas

lets combine 2 things that have not been overdone at all. Penguins AND ninjas

Here at Reel Stupid, we have our hands on the pulse of Hollywood and are able to tell you what the next couple of HUGE trends to hit the world are going to be.  In no particular order they are:

  • Giants-  BFG anyone?  This trend is going to be large (pun intended).  Hagrid was just the beginning of this trend and who knows where it will end.
  • Greek/ Roman Mythology-  This area has been touched by Disney and others but no one has really delved deep into the sick twisted minds of both of these cultures.
  • Plumbers/Electricians- Joe the plumber is the name that comes to mind here.  Handy man by day- handier man by night!
Hey!  I have that lamp also!

Hey! I have that lamp also!

When looking at Jennifer’s body, I don’t really know what to say about it.  Being written by Diablo Cody (Juno) and directed by Karyn Kusama (Aeon Flux), we don’t have much to go off of.  Aeon Flux was a major flop but Juno was everyone’s favorite overrated movie.  I think that they are making fun of the genre and poking fun at the formulaic way that highschool movies turn out but I can’t be 100% sure.  Regardless of actual quality, Megan Fox starring in this movie is going to fill the theater and http://www.vampfangs.com is going to sell buttloads of specially fitted vampire fangs.  ORDER NOW!

cause non-custom fangs just don't cut it...

cause non-custom fangs just don't cut it...

Rating: 2.5 out of 4

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I like one thing about Tyler Perry’s movies- the fact that he puts his name in front of all his movies. This allows me to immediately change the channel to something of higher quality such as a Paris Hilton reality show or a Jerry Springer episode involving midgets.  Really, anything works.

These should say "Respect your writers- Don't put their names on your crap"

These should say "Tyler Perry- Respect your writers- Don't put their names on your crap"

But what we have here is a wonderful touching story about a real family just trying to make it in the real world.  They are just barely hanging on when their spirits are lifted by a homeless man looking for work.

The zohan has better hair...

The zohan has better hair...

Obviously Tyler Perry keeps his cliche book close to his heart because he goes with the male version of the “nerdy girl with the pulled up hair and glasses turns into a vixen” cliche-  The  “Homeless man becomes handsome father figure” cliche.

Slide1And lets talk about this homeless man (played by Adam Rodriguez).  This poor guy has been on CSI Miami for what probably feels like the past 20 years of his life.  His agent probably cheers him up by telling him that “up is the only way to go from CSI Miami.”  But somehow he has managed to make a lateral move.  This is amazing in itself.

What?  There is a show with just as terrible acting and writing as CSI Miami?

What? There is a show with just as terrible acting and writing as CSI Miami?

Adam Rodriguez turns in a marvelous performance.  He really shows his adaptability.  He not only changes his accent about 8 times in the movie, but he also changes his level of proficiency.  Once second he understands verbs,  tenses, and contractions and then the next he doesn’t.  Then he apparently trades in his beard for a copy of Rosetta stone and speaks brilliant English.

Unfortunately, poor photoshopping doesn't come out till the fall...

Unfortunately, poor photoshopping doesn't come out till the fall...

In the end we get everything we expect from a movie with Tyler Perry’s name attached.  Sub-par acting, writing, comedy and music.  We also get a serious story that Tyler Perry feels the need to inject his most famous character (Madea) into for absolutely no reason at all.  Unless you consider trying to make buckets of money while maintaining the status of the least talented human being in Hollywood a reason.

Rating:  0 out of 4

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Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…

GamerPosterGamer

Synopsis: Nerd controls jock.

Troy: Contrary to popular belief, Gerard Butler isn’t actually a womanizer.  He merely picks up hot chicks and brings them back to his apartment for some good old-fashioned…video games.

Torch: ‘Cause movies targeting gamers don’t have to have a good plot.

AllAboutStevePosterAll About Steve

Synopsis: Women stalker does what stalkers (and many women) do best: stalks.

Troy: Remember when you had that totally hot chick stalking you and you just couldn’t get away from her?  No?  Oh, that’s right, it never happened.

Torch: It is all about Steve.. Madden and his totally chic fall line!

ExtractPosterExtract

Synopsis: ??? something about vanilla extract ???

Troy: When an ex-CIA agent’s former partner gets caught behind enemy lines, it’s up to him to put a team together and extract…oh wait, that’s a movie I’d actually want to see.

Torch: Maybe they are saving the funny parts for the actual movie?

CarriersPosterCarriers

Synopsis: Generic horror.

Troy: Anybody who has played Starcraft against the Protoss knows that these can be terrifying.   Anybody who hasn’t is not a nerd.

Torch: Scary as one long Verizon commercial…

AmreekaPosterAmreeka

Synopsis: Immigrants come to small-town America.

Troy: It’s funny because the culture of these people coming from West Bank is different from those living in Illinois…get it?

Torch: Didn’t this amreeka girl just win a spelling bee or something as well?

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9

Tim Burton is at it again, and unlike any other Tim Burton movie ever released, I am actually going to see this in theaters.  Here are nine reasons why.

#1  Cause characters named after numbers tend to kick tail

and in the case of 007, get a lot of tail..

and in the case of 007, get a lot of tail

#2 Cause the song in the trailer–  “Welcome Home” by Coheed and Cambria, is amazing

If they would have played this song during the trailer for "Bride Wars", I would have seen it

If they would have played this song during the trailer for "Bride Wars", I would have seen it

#3- Cause nine (nein) in German Means no, as in “no, don’t go see this movie.”  Do the opposite of what Germans say and you are usually in pretty good shape.

Don't listen to Germans.  See this movie

Don't listen to Germans. See this movie

#4  Cause some idiot you know will be getting married on 9-9-09 and you need an excuse not to go.

This is also the only day that the stars align and the Beatles can be reunited beyond the grave. Or maybe Rock Band: Beatles is just launching on this date also...

This is also the only day that the stars align and the Beatles can be reunited beyond the grave. Or maybe Rock Band: Beatles is just launching on this date also

#5  Cause nine is going to save the world that has already been destroyed.  Yah- Try and make sense of that

At least 9 is trying to save the world.  Wall-E just cleaned up our trash

At least 9 is trying to save the world. Wall-E just cleaned up our trash

#6  Cause you always wondered where your socks go when you lose them

What a world without Tim Burton would look like...

What a world without Tim Burton would look like

#7 Cause Jennifer Connely is HOT

Body for DAYS...

Body for days

#8  Cause Tim Burton and Johny Depp finally cut the umbilical court.

But don't worry.  They will be back together to ruin other characters you liked as a child soon enough

But don't worry. They will be back together to ruin other characters you liked as a child soon enough

#9 Cause they have had this movie finished for over 100 years but were waiting to release it on 9/9/09 for cool points.

Focus groups apparently thought 8 was too much of a wussy name...

They tried 8-8-08 but focus groups thought 8 was too much of a wussy name

There you have it.  9 great reasons to see this movie.  And if my 9 reasons didn’t convince you, then the movies amazing action sequences, cool characters and originality should convince you.

Rating- 3.5 out of 4

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