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Posts Tagged ‘Sci-Fi’

Surrogates vs. Pandorum

vs.

Better Name

Surrogates-Horrible images of Juno and Baby Mamma flashed through my mind when I first heard this movie title.

Pandorum – echoes of “Pandora”, the chick that just couldn’t keep her grubby fingers off the box that released all evil.

Edge: Pandorum

Premise

Surrogates- People plug in to a machine and control robots out in the real world.  This allows them to live isolated lives hooked into machines all day (livin’ the dream).  They can feel pleasure through the surrogates (how else would they infuse sex into the story line) but somehow can not experience pain.  This lovely world ends when someone figures out how to kill people through their surrogates.  Oh my!

Pandorum – What?!  Some unfortunate astronauts on a ship in deep space find themselves haunted by something mysterious?!  Alien–>Event Horizon–>Supernova–>Solaris… that’s what we call “trending down”.

Interesting, as long as it steers clear of the plot lines from Avatar, The Island, Terminator 1-3, Gamer, I-Robot, Bicentennial Man, The Matrix 1-3, Stepford Wives, and The Parent Trap

Interesting, as long as it steers clear of the plot lines from Avatar, The Island, Terminator 1-3, Gamer, I-Robot, Bicentennial Man, The Matrix 1-3, Stepford Wives, and The Parent Trap

Edge: Surrogates

Leading Man

Surrogates – This movie is awesome because not only do we get bald, angry looking Bruce Willis, but we also get his robot played by long-haired- nice-guy Bruce Willis.  This is great for Bruce, cause he has been in a slump lately and now has 2 chances to break out of it!

Pandorum – Ben Foster plays creepy (3:10 to Yuma) and creepier (Hostage) because he looks creepy.  Age hasn’t made him less creepy.  I’d go with him as the bad guy, even if that doesn’t make sense within the context of this movie.  Dennis Quaid is somehow a wannabe Kevin Costner, yet manages to produce even more mediocre movies than his idol.

Bruce Willis is so awesome that if he could be a robot of anyone, he would be himself but with hair

Bruce Willis is so awesome that if he could be a robot of anyone, he would be himself but with bad hair

Edge: Surrogates


Leading Woman

Surrogates – Um..  if you could be a robot of anything, why would you ever want to be a woman?  With that said, Rhada Mitchell plays Willis’ partner and helps him by probably asking questions that need to be answered in order to develop the plot.

Pandorum – the only thing I know about Antje Traue is that there is no way to pronounce the “ntj” sound in the English language.

she kinda looks like she could be a Olsen triplet.  If that triplet happened to actually eat food and not chain smoke.

Rhada looks like she could be an Olsen triplet. If that triplet happened to actually eat food and not chain smoke.

Edge: Surrogates

Preview

Surrogates – Too many sci-fi movies start off with the preview being a commercial for some futuristic product. They are somewhat forced to do this in order to explain the premise of the movie, but this one drags on for too long, and doesn’t make much sense.  We also get the obligatory human face ripped off to reveal robotic inner workings.  Snore.

Pandorum – Really, with these horror movie previews, you can usually stir intrigue by showing a bunch of scared/disheveled people…and this preview is no exception.  We’ll even forgive the laughable baby-alien-thing that pops up at the end:

Pandorum2

Not the strongest part of the preview...

Edge: Pandorum

Winner: Surrogates

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Gamer

Here at ReelStupid, we get e-mailed a lot of questions (not really). Allow me to answer a few that have been sent regarding this preview…

Q: Is it a good idea to put automatic weapons and grenades into the hands of death-row prisoners?

Gamer1A: As long as we also give them SUVs that they can set on fire and then launch into the air, yes, I think things will go swimmingly.  Also, make sure that the  winner – aka the most efficient killer – be set free and loosed back on society.

Gamer3Q: So, like, TNT has spent years trying to build up the sex appeal of Kyra Sedgwick in The Closer…am I missing something?  Is she hot?

A: Nope.  She’s married to Kevin Bacon, who is a  connected man in Hollywood, and he put the screws to them.

Gamer4Q: What type of accent does the Dexter character in this movie have?  Texan, Southern, or what?

A: It doesn’t matter…you’re only meant to understand that he definitely comes from a Republican state.

Gamer1Q: Why does a player need to control Gerard Butler when Butler can control himself?  Wouldn’t it make more sense for a player to control some sort of fighting robot or Avatar?

A: No. No it wouldn’t.

Q: Why is Gerard Butler in jail in the first place?

A: Between his Scottish accent, rock hard abs, baritone singing voice, and five o’clock shadow, he was convicted of being “that douche that makes all us other guys look bad”, and sentenced to death.  The 7,834 women he’d had a one night stand with did not object.  It was for the good of society.

From left to right: scruffy, singing, six-pack...jerk

From left to right: scruffy, singing, six-pack...jerk

Q: Does the preview show enough generic action movie cliches?

A: Let’s see, we have the angry black guy that tries to “fight the system” through raw strength, and will inevitably die:

GamerAngry

We have the picture of the wife and daughter that allows us to sympathize with his crazy killings, without having to actually be bored by seeing him interact with this family:GamerDaughters

A villain that is physically weaker but by some stroke of technology / position/ leverage has some grip over the hero:

GamerVillain

And then some trucks flipping over each for no real purpose related to the story:

GamerTrucksSo yah, I’d say the bases are covered.

Q: Is this movie worth seeing?

A: If you turn off your brain while watching the trailer, it actually looks pretty exciting, and I’m tempted to give it the go-ahead.  We’re probably looking at a decently entertaining – if stupid – action flick.  However, given the timing of its release and the plot holes that are apparent even in the preview, I’d recommend waiting to see Avatar.  At least that premise looks solid.

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District 9

I, for one, agree with the government’s stance on District 9.  Clearly the movie has overarching, heavy-handed themes of “tolerance” and “co-existence”, but consider some of the reasons we should keep these aliens out:

No no no...I ordered my sandwich WITHOUT mayo

No no no...I ordered my sandwich WITHOUT mayo

1) They don’t speak the language.  I should be able to drive thru McDonald’s without having to speak insecto-alien.

District22) When they first stepped off their spaceship, they seemed to be pleasant enough and offered us space blankets.  We soon learned, however, that these blankets were infested with smallpox, and they kept insisting we tell them where they could find the City of Gold.

District43) Backwards cultural differences. It’s not just that they bring their misogynistic ways…in their culture it is traditional for the male to pincer and consume the female’s brain if she fails to please him. Such actions are frowned upon in our non-OJ sector of society.

4) They only eat manure and post-2000 Eddie Murphy movies, so their breath always smells like crap.

Can you find the least crappy movie in this bunch?

Can you find the least sucky movie in this bunch?

5) They take all our good jobs!  For instance, 2nd Xenon to the Grand Master Thetin is almost always awarded to a being of “alien” descent…or at least one with an alien sirname.

Psychic condoms do not yet exist...

Psychic condoms do not yet exist...

6) Given that their sexual intercourse is purely telepathic, there is no known contraceptive, so the population is spiraling out of control. This telepathic intercourse also leaves humans uncertain of whether they’ve been raped or merely communicated with.

7) Optimus Prime says there isn’t enough room for two different giant-alien-robot things on this planet.  And when Optimus speaks, I listen.

District5

Impressive, but can he turn into a semi?

Regardless, after seeing Peter Jackson’s name attached to it, we can all breathe a sigh of relief that this movie comes in at under 2 hours.  I’m still trying to forgive him for failing to end LOTR gracefully, and tremble at the thought of having to watch King Kong again in its entirety.  (Note: as of the time of writing this, there is a humorous reference on Rotten Tomatoes with the runtime saying 6 hrs 28 mins.  Screen grab below*)

That being said (and the fact that he isn’t directing it anyway), this movie looks awesome, and I’ll be shoveling a few more dollars his way.

*Your screen grab, as promised:

KingKong

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