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I like one thing about Tyler Perry’s movies- the fact that he puts his name in front of all his movies. This allows me to immediately change the channel to something of higher quality such as a Paris Hilton reality show or a Jerry Springer episode involving midgets.  Really, anything works.

These should say "Respect your writers- Don't put their names on your crap"

These should say "Tyler Perry- Respect your writers- Don't put their names on your crap"

But what we have here is a wonderful touching story about a real family just trying to make it in the real world.  They are just barely hanging on when their spirits are lifted by a homeless man looking for work.

The zohan has better hair...

The zohan has better hair...

Obviously Tyler Perry keeps his cliche book close to his heart because he goes with the male version of the “nerdy girl with the pulled up hair and glasses turns into a vixen” cliche-  The  “Homeless man becomes handsome father figure” cliche.

Slide1And lets talk about this homeless man (played by Adam Rodriguez).  This poor guy has been on CSI Miami for what probably feels like the past 20 years of his life.  His agent probably cheers him up by telling him that “up is the only way to go from CSI Miami.”  But somehow he has managed to make a lateral move.  This is amazing in itself.

What?  There is a show with just as terrible acting and writing as CSI Miami?

What? There is a show with just as terrible acting and writing as CSI Miami?

Adam Rodriguez turns in a marvelous performance.  He really shows his adaptability.  He not only changes his accent about 8 times in the movie, but he also changes his level of proficiency.  Once second he understands verbs,  tenses, and contractions and then the next he doesn’t.  Then he apparently trades in his beard for a copy of Rosetta stone and speaks brilliant English.

Unfortunately, poor photoshopping doesn't come out till the fall...

Unfortunately, poor photoshopping doesn't come out till the fall...

In the end we get everything we expect from a movie with Tyler Perry’s name attached.  Sub-par acting, writing, comedy and music.  We also get a serious story that Tyler Perry feels the need to inject his most famous character (Madea) into for absolutely no reason at all.  Unless you consider trying to make buckets of money while maintaining the status of the least talented human being in Hollywood a reason.

Rating:  0 out of 4

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Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…

GamerPosterGamer

Synopsis: Nerd controls jock.

Troy: Contrary to popular belief, Gerard Butler isn’t actually a womanizer.  He merely picks up hot chicks and brings them back to his apartment for some good old-fashioned…video games.

Torch: ‘Cause movies targeting gamers don’t have to have a good plot.

AllAboutStevePosterAll About Steve

Synopsis: Women stalker does what stalkers (and many women) do best: stalks.

Troy: Remember when you had that totally hot chick stalking you and you just couldn’t get away from her?  No?  Oh, that’s right, it never happened.

Torch: It is all about Steve.. Madden and his totally chic fall line!

ExtractPosterExtract

Synopsis: ??? something about vanilla extract ???

Troy: When an ex-CIA agent’s former partner gets caught behind enemy lines, it’s up to him to put a team together and extract…oh wait, that’s a movie I’d actually want to see.

Torch: Maybe they are saving the funny parts for the actual movie?

CarriersPosterCarriers

Synopsis: Generic horror.

Troy: Anybody who has played Starcraft against the Protoss knows that these can be terrifying.   Anybody who hasn’t is not a nerd.

Torch: Scary as one long Verizon commercial…

AmreekaPosterAmreeka

Synopsis: Immigrants come to small-town America.

Troy: It’s funny because the culture of these people coming from West Bank is different from those living in Illinois…get it?

Torch: Didn’t this amreeka girl just win a spelling bee or something as well?

Whiteout

First of all, I love how there is a 5 second clip of Kate Beckinsale in the shower when we are first introduced to her character.  And — don’t get me wrong — I’m not being entirely sarcastic.  It just seems like a cheap bit of pandering at first.

Whiteout1But then you start to think, “wait, even in those crappy horror flicks with the sorority girls in the shower, at least some monster or serial killer is sneaking up on them at the same time.”  Here, she just goes from taking her shower to the radio, with no real urgency other than that she got a call.  That’s pretty weak, even for a “sex sells” moment.

Apparently the trailer requires more than one angle of her in the shower...

Apparently the trailer requires more than one angle of her in the shower...

And then, right when you’re about to move on and ignore it, the second thought hits: “wait, aren’t they in Antarctica?”  Doesn’t it cost like $1000 per minute for hot water on that continent?  Think of the electricity required to heat it up in that cold!  But Kate’s just kicking back, streaming water over her hair, fogging up the glass like she hasn’t a care in the world.  Meanwhile, they’ve just had to lay off 4 more research scientists from the compound.  The budget is minuscule, but noooo, they couldn’t possibly tell Kate to keep her shower under 20 minutes.

Take your time sweetie...it's only $10k for this luxury.

Take your time sweetie...it's only $10k for this luxury.

But if you’re able to get passed that, the other thing that stands out in this trailer is that we have no idea who or what is attacking the research center.  Fine.  But allow me to venture a guess — Penguins.

Whiteout4

They are the only thing I know famous for inhabiting Antarctica.  With all the movies about those tuxedo-laden ice birds in recent years, it was only a matter of time before we got another.  Now they are back…with a vengeance!

I picture it as a version of Alfred Hitchcock’s Birds…only these birds can’t fly, and they are adorably cute as they tear off your limbs.

Get it?  March as in military march...mobilization of the troops?

"The March of the Penguins", as Torchette dubbed it.

Or maybe, as the title suggests, the very thing we are meant to fear is the “whiteness” itself.  I, for one, would applaud such equal opportunity villainy.  Far too long we’ve been stuck with movies like Darkness Falls and Pitch Black, where it is the darkness that is meant to scare us…I have been calling for a brightness-is-evil plot for years now.  Thankfully, Whiteout has heeded my call.

Unfortunately, the movie that we are presented in the trailer does not look particularly interesting.  The only thing that is established is that, once again, Kate Beckinsale takes a shower at some point in the movie.  And given Kate’s history of producing thoroughly mediocre action/horror films — Van Helsing, Underworld, Vacancy — I’d probably assume it’ll land somewhere in that range.

Rating – 2.5 out of 4

9

Tim Burton is at it again, and unlike any other Tim Burton movie ever released, I am actually going to see this in theaters.  Here are nine reasons why.

#1  Cause characters named after numbers tend to kick tail

and in the case of 007, get a lot of tail..

and in the case of 007, get a lot of tail

#2 Cause the song in the trailer–  “Welcome Home” by Coheed and Cambria, is amazing

If they would have played this song during the trailer for "Bride Wars", I would have seen it

If they would have played this song during the trailer for "Bride Wars", I would have seen it

#3- Cause nine (nein) in German Means no, as in “no, don’t go see this movie.”  Do the opposite of what Germans say and you are usually in pretty good shape.

Don't listen to Germans.  See this movie

Don't listen to Germans. See this movie

#4  Cause some idiot you know will be getting married on 9-9-09 and you need an excuse not to go.

This is also the only day that the stars align and the Beatles can be reunited beyond the grave. Or maybe Rock Band: Beatles is just launching on this date also...

This is also the only day that the stars align and the Beatles can be reunited beyond the grave. Or maybe Rock Band: Beatles is just launching on this date also

#5  Cause nine is going to save the world that has already been destroyed.  Yah- Try and make sense of that

At least 9 is trying to save the world.  Wall-E just cleaned up our trash

At least 9 is trying to save the world. Wall-E just cleaned up our trash

#6  Cause you always wondered where your socks go when you lose them

What a world without Tim Burton would look like...

What a world without Tim Burton would look like

#7 Cause Jennifer Connely is HOT

Body for DAYS...

Body for days

#8  Cause Tim Burton and Johny Depp finally cut the umbilical court.

But don't worry.  They will be back together to ruin other characters you liked as a child soon enough

But don't worry. They will be back together to ruin other characters you liked as a child soon enough

#9 Cause they have had this movie finished for over 100 years but were waiting to release it on 9/9/09 for cool points.

Focus groups apparently thought 8 was too much of a wussy name...

They tried 8-8-08 but focus groups thought 8 was too much of a wussy name

There you have it.  9 great reasons to see this movie.  And if my 9 reasons didn’t convince you, then the movies amazing action sequences, cool characters and originality should convince you.

Rating- 3.5 out of 4

Extract

In the beginning there was the comedy, and in trailers for the comedy, some dude had to get hit by something in the crotch — that’s how you knew it was a comedy.  Extract is no exception.   In the opening moments of the trailer we get a high-powered cap shot into the testicles – not a great start.

Extract1On the other hand, the series of events that leads to this freak accident is Final Destination-esque.  Maybe they should’ve just run with the idea, called it The Final Destination…for your Ballsack, and had complicated scenarios in which guys get hit in the groin.  For the men in the audience, this would certainly draw more cringes and nightmares than merely witnessing a character get hit by a bus.

Extract3

Vanilla should've surrendered to chocolate a LONG time ago.

Of course, this raises the question: what is this movie actually about? If I told you the title “Extract” comes from vanilla extract, that probably doesn’t help.  And, after watching the trailer…I still have no idea.  Is it the trouble at work?  Trouble with the wife?  There’s a vanilla factory involved…so maybe this is Jason Bateman and the Vanilla Factory?  Not quite the same ring as Willy Wonka, especially since the women in the plant are waaaaay more annoying than Ooompa Loompas.

So, after seeing the stupidity of the plant workers in this movie, I’m led to believe that it is about exploring the option of replacing these laborers with robots.  For people working in a factory such as this, it might be prudent not to worry so much over whether their jobs are “recession-proof”…they should instead start worrying about whether their jobs are “robot-proof”.  Consider the pros and cons of a switch to mechanical labor:

PRO:  No lawsuits.  Whereas the guy gets his testicles shot off, robots would obviously have some sort of metal cage protecting their genitalia.

CON: Every once in a while there will be an uprising in which the robots will attempt to destroy human kind.

Sure we run the risk of total annihalation...but what business venture doesn't?

Sure we run the risk of total annihilation...but what business venture doesn't?

PRO: “They’re not gonna do their jobs I’m not gonna do mine.”  What people don’t understand is that this is how 95% of strikes get started.  All it takes is one lazy worker spotting a few other lazy workers, the idea spreads, and pretty soon they’ve slapped together some ridiculous request for a “living wage”.  The robot culture, on the other hand, is one that takes pride in work…and only the self-aware AIs require a living wage.

Speed it up a little...

Speed it up a little...

CON: The famous “I Love Lucy” episode where she works on the conveyor belt will no longer make sense to future generations.

PRO: Maybe they’ll stop showing “I Love Lucy” in future generations.

With respect to the movie at hand, I had high hopes for the teaming of Mike Judge, Jason Bateman, and some other funny talent, but this trailer is weak in the humor department.  I smiled at the tying of the sweatpants, but the joke confusing “temp” and “tramp” is cringe-worthy, and the weed stuff tacked on is just lazy.  Maybe this will be like Office Space where the humor does not come off great in the trailer, but I have to go with what I can see…

Rating – 2  out of 4

For more information about what the ratings mean, go here.

All About Steve

All About Steve is a romantic comedy for women that further promotes the idea that it is ok to be crazy because  eventually the guy you are stalking will find it endearing and fall for you.  What they don’t tell you is that being hot is 90% of the equation and basically Sandra Bullocks  gets 90 out of 90.  The average crazy woman doesn’t have a chance.

"She is not crazy!  She can't be crazy" - Guy trying to justify dating a hot crazy girl

"She is not crazy! She can't be crazy" --Guy trying to justify dating a hot crazy girl

But really Hollywood?  Do we need to encourage more women to be crazy?  Here are just 4 types of crazy I have run across lately.

  • Synthetic Crazy-  These are the women that think there is something wrong with every single part of their body.  They are never satisfied with any change they make because the real issue is between their ears.
  • Emo Crazy-  These are the women that just hate men in general.  They hate men so much that they date men just to inflict pain.
  • Animal Crazy-  These women love their pets more than they could ever love you.    They may throw birthday parties for their pets and/or pick up their pets feces with a plastic bag and ask you to feel how warm it is.
  • Jealous Crazy-  These women like to check your cell phones and email always sniffing for the scent of another woman.  They are also the woman who tear out the video surveillance equipment page from  Sky Mall.

Then there is Mary (played by Sandra Bullock) crazy.  How crazy is Mary?

Crazy enough to make a fireman make this face!

Crazy enough to make a fireman make this face!

The movie starts with Mary being pressured by her parents get married and “register at Barnes and Normal” which isn’t funny.   I think it is a pun on Barnes and Nobel, but I am not quite sure because people just don’t register at Barnes and Noble.

Umm...  We sell books

Umm... We sell books

Mary ends up going on a blind date with Steve who she immediately falls for, but Steve is not feeling it and has to leave to cover a news story in Florida.  Mary decides to follow him (Because that is the opposite of what a not insane person would do), and hitchhikes to Florida with a trucker.

Because you are always safe with truckers...

Cause you are always safe with friendly truckers...

Once in Florida Mary falls in a hole, gets hit on by the guy from Wings, and is finally appreciated by Steve because, “She sees things that other people don’t, and she doesn’t pretend to be something she is not.”

This guy saw things differently and was afraid of who he was either.  Date him!

That is exactly what people wrote in Hannibal Lecter's 8th grade yearbook

To finish off the trailer we are treated to the rewinding and replaying of Mary falling into a hole OVER and OVER again.  It is almost like they are killing time that they payed for to advertise their movie.  Is there nothing else you can show?

This is actually the same hole where Sandra Bullock met and fell in love with Jesse James

This is actually the same hole where Sandra Bullock met and fell in love with Jesse James

Call me crazy, but I am recommending that you skip this movie.  I will however announce that Sandra Bullock in While You Were Sleeping was my first childhood crush.

Rating – 1  out of 4

Every Friday we’ll give you the last quick shots on the weekend’s movies…

FinalDestinationPosterThe Final Destination 3D

Synopsis: Death makes people die.

Troy: If you really want to see a bunch of NASCAR fans trying to cheat death in 3D, just pack your bags and head to a Florida retirement community.

Torch: You know what I wish death would hunt down and kill for good?  Hollywood’s desire to make crappy horror movie sequels.

TakingWoodstockPosterTaking Woodstock

Synopsis: Festival planning.

Troy: Snoopy’s gonna be pissed.

Torch: Dimitri Martin didn’t even need to visit wardrobe to star in this movie.

df

HalloweenPosterHalloween II

Synopsis: Big guy kills people.

Troy: When the victims hear that Mike Myers is back, do you think they become terrified at the prospect of another Love Guru, only to relax when they discover it’s merely a knife-wielding maniac after them?  I do.

Torch: Historically speaking we are actually approaching Halloween # 1,053

EdgeOftheworldPosterAt the Edge of the World

Synopsis: Whale Wars: the movie.

Troy: If Moby Dick is going to start a war, he’d better be prepared to finish it.

Torch: Another movie further promoting the propaganda that the earth is flat..

BigFanPosterBig Fan

Synopsis: Big fat fan puts big fat loyalty to the test.

Troy: Tells the story behind the mechanical device developed to dissipate the world’s smelliest farts.

Torch: A movie based on a sports star committing a crime?  This would never happen.  They are role models people!