In order to simulate a real rush event, I’m going to go ahead and introduce the major girls of this sorority. Also, since we don’t know who or what is actually killing off the girls, I present a guess as to the most likely enemy of each girl — the person that may want them dead. We have…
1. Jamie Chung
Intro: started off as an MTV Real World star. I’d love to say she graduated to “actress” in the movie Dragonball Evolution, but I had the unfortunate privilege of seeing that particular film on a plane flight…trust me, there was no “acting” done in that movie. On a more positive note, it’s about time there was some Asian representation in the Hollywood Greek system, given their large population in US universities.
Most likely enemy that might be trying to kill her: Oozaru. This monkey-monster thing was an enemy in Dragonball. I was originally considering whether it might be one of her Real World cast mates, but couldn’t imagine any of them summoning the ambition required for a premeditated murder.
2. Audrina Patridge
Intro: if you were worried we’d only have one MTV reality star pretending to be an actress, this should put your fears to rest. Audrina, known for being herself on The Hills, is (I think/hope) the first one killed.
Most likely enemy that might be trying to kill her: Hamburgler. You thought I might go the Spencer or Heidi route here, but Audrina did that commercial for Carl’s Jr. in the gold bikini, making the McDonald’s folk pretty angry. Hamburgler has the criminal record, so he’ll do the dirty work.
3. Rumer Willis
Intro: the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. I’d say that this was a case of nepotism, but look at the roles she’s been in: Striptease, Whore, House Bunny, and now this. She’s like the kid who wins first place at the science fair because her entry is so crappy…it’s the only one that the parents clearly didn’t help with.
Most likely enemy that might be trying to kill her: Ashton Kutcher. She’s been giving him the “don’t sleep with my mom” stink-eye for far too long.
4. Briana Evigan
Intro: when your most respectable young actress is the one known for playing a dancer in Step Up 2 The Streets, you know you’re in trouble. Step Up 2 The Streets made our list of the Ten Worst Movie Previews of 2008…but hey, she’s hot, and there’s a short clip of her dancing at a party in this preview.
Most likely enemy that might be trying to kill her: Anna Pavlova. Typically considered the most famous classical ballet dancer of all time, she hates what these young (and alive) whippersnappers have done with the tradition of dance.
5. Carrie Fisher
Intro: it’s true, 98% of Star Wars nerds would still go gaga over her, but more for historical purposes than for any other reason. She’s one of those women that men have been trying to ignore for the past 25 years, so they could continue to maintain the image in their head of the bikini-clad slave girl in Return of the Jedi. I’ll admit that I was thoroughly confused at seeing her part in this movie…I still am.
Most likely enemy that might be trying to kill her: Jabba the Hutt. Sure, she had plenty of enemies, but she killed (or did she?!) Jabba with a chain around the neck…and all he wanted was a little love. That’s cold.
So there you have it…some fine “talent” there. You’ll also find the following other characters in the credits, for which they didn’t bother to come up with names: “Bra-Clad Sister”,”Trampoline Sister”, “Over-It Sister”,”Thwarted Guy”,”Slutty Sister”,”Nerdy Underclassman”,”Already Drunk Sister”,”Hot Guy”,”Stoned Dude”,”Wasted Guy”. Awesome.
Based on how over-the-top and poorly acted this movie appeared in the previews, I was debating over whether this was tongue-in-cheek or not. Taking one more look at the cast, I’m going to go with “no”. Maybe this will turn out to have all the perfect elements of horror, sexiness, and campiness come together, but I’ll bet against it.
Rating: 1 out of 4
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