Couples Retreat

Synopsis: Struggling couples go to tropical island in attempt at comedy.

Troy: Because seeing other women in bikinis solves all marital problems.

Torch: The response after seeing Vince Vaughn sans shirt?  Couples retreat

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Bronson

Synopsis: Guy robs a post office, then becomes infamous in prison.

Troy: What people may not know is that he actually stole Christmas cards, having not gotten any the previous year.

Torch: Hopefully you are infamous in prison for being tough and um… not other things..

Ball Don’t Lie

Synopsis: The story of streetballer The Professor.

Troy: Although occasionally it only tells half-truths.

Torch: Duh.  It rolls

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Good Hair

Synopsis: Chris Rock talks about African-American hairstyles.

Troy: Was Don Imus interviewed for his opinion?

Torch: I feel like reality television on VH1 has already taught me all I need to know on this subject.

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The Damned United

Synopsis: Guy coaches soccer team.

Troy: NOT about a crappy airline going under.

Torch: When your team name is united, do you think it is harder to use the whole “there is no I in team” speech?

Torch:

The Invention of Lying

Synopsis: Man figures out how to lie.

Troy: Not sure why he needs lying…everyone knows the British accent is enough to make an American girl do whatever he wants.

Torch: Thank goodness this isn’t the biblical retelling of the first lie.  Ricky Gervais with just a fig leaf would be disturbing.

Whip It

Synopsis: Girl joins roller derby team and “whips it”

Troy: If you’re not going to wear the red lampshade honey, you can’t be in a movie called “Whip It”.

Torch: Miracle Whip wanted to sponsor the movie but Diablo Cody said whip cream was too white and fluffy to be in any of  her movies.

Zombie Land

Synopsis: Guys kill zombies while laughing

Troy: So what, we’re suddenly allowed to kill human bodies with no brains now?  How are so many reality stars still alive?!

Torch: All I need to know is if they serve those giant turkey legs at Zombie Land.  If so, I am there.

A Serious Man

Synopsis: Man gets tired of his serious life.

Troy: The more serious, the higher the pants.

Torch: This movie looks really serious.  Not funny, interesting, or exciting.  Just serious.

Toy Story 1 and 2 3D

Synopsis: Toys are alive and nice

Troy: Which is more impossible — going “beyond” infinity, or giving 110%?

Torch: Hollywood,  I have a couple ideas.  Call me so you don’t have to keep re-releasing old movies in 3D.  No one buys it.

vs.

It’s nice to do a battle between two movies that actually look like they might have the potential to be funny.  There can be only one winner, however, so here we go…

Premise

Sure, having several couples go to a tropical island, then forcing them into activities, should be good enough for a few laughs.  But I’ve been burned before by a movie with Kristin Bell on a tropical island — it was called Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and while it was short on laughs, it was waaaay too high on male frontal nudity.  Couples Retreat already looks like it could be falling into the same trap.  On the other hand, The Invention of Lying gets plenty of points for creativity – can you imagine what you could do if everyone believed your lies?  You’d use it only for the powers of good, of course.  We just need to hope the premise doesn’t get old too quick.

Edge: The Invention of Lying

So like, what do politicians and lawyers DO in this alternate world?

Leading Man

Ahh, we have Jason Bateman bringing us back to Forgetting Sarah Marshall again!  His two movies (the other being Extract), coming out within almost a month of each other, have him with romantic interests in both Mila Kunis and then Kristin Bell, two much younger women and female stars of Sarah Marshall.  We can probably expect a solid performance from him.  Vince Vaughn needs desperately to get out of his post Wedding Crashers funk, with his last three starring roles coming in The Break-up, Fred Claus, and Four Christmases.  We can only be thankful that this isn’t a Christmas movie.  Still, I have to go with the guy that has nothing but funny (even if awkward and British) on his recent record: Ricky Gervais.  Between Extras, Ghosttown, and The Office, I doubt we’ll see him starring in a lame rom-com with Reese Witherspoon anytime soon.

Edge: The Invention of Lying

To make it with a mug like this, you KNOW he must be talented.

Leading Lady

The person who coined “quality over quantity” was not considering all options.  Quantity and Quality wins, and Couples Retreat definitely delivers on this.  We get Malin Akerman, Kristen Bell, Kristin Davis and Kali Hawk running around on a tropical island in what one could call “attractive attire.”  Sure, Jennifer Gardner can name the starting lineup for the Redsox (Pro- She likes sports.  Con- Poor choice of team) but she doesn’t stand a chance against the younger, hotter cast of Couples Retreat.  Yah, even with the help of Tina Fey.

Women so hot they could snag these guys

Edge: Couples Retreat

Preview

Call me old fashioned but I believe horror trailers should make me scared, action trailers should move me to the edge of my seat and comedy trailers should make me laugh.  Fortunately, one of these movies delivers and actually made me laugh- A LOT-  The Invention of Lying. It is obvious from his other work that Ricky Gervais is a master of both comical timing and mocking himself and he delivers fully on both of these.  Jennifer Gardner also plays her dimwitted and honest character perfectly and what we end up with is a rare beast indeed–  A movie trailer that actually makes you want to see the movie.

Couples Retreat on the other hand, gives us the same tired comedy that proves just how incestuous Hollywood really is.  Jokes that are not funny mixed in with raunchy jokes that are not funny just doesn’t do the trick.  And  that bit with the Yoga instructor?  I know no one actually saw Along Came Polly but really guys?  Just bad, and not funny.

Edge: The Invention of Lying

Winner: Invention of Lying

Surrogates

Synopsis: Living life through a robot turns out to be a bad idea.

Troy: Living vicariously through your children is a much better plan, obviously.

Torch: I’ll get my robot to contact my people to contact your people to contact your robot to talk to you about what I think about this movie.

Pandorum

Synopsis: Humans stuck on ship in deep space with evil things.

Troy: I was stuck in an elevator with a stranger, which was really awkward, so…I think I can sympathize with these guys.

Torch:How come we never get stuck in deep space with monsters that use their 15 tentacles to give deep tissue massages and make pancakes?

Fame

Synopsis: School for people that want to be famous.

Troy: The school for “Fame” nowadays would include only two classes: acting like you’re street-rat crazy, and mailing in your reality-show audition tape.

Torch: Amazing how few actually famous people are in a movie called fame.

Capitalism: A Love Story

Synopsis: Michael Moore exposes the truth that corporations try to make money.

Troy: I didn’t understand it in cartoons, and I don’t get it now…if you don’t want people to know you’re carrying money, why put it in a bag with a $?

Torch: Michael Moore wanted to do a documentary on people living in trees to protest bulldozers and what not, but he doesn’t climb too well and they wouldn’t come down.

The Boys Are Back

Synopsis: After wife dies, man must raise his two sons alone.

Troy: I heard a song about this…but “The Boys Are Back in Town” seems a little too cheery for the subject matter.

Torch: This movie would have a better chance of making money if it was just a loop of this…

vs.

Seeing as these are both “action-comedies”, we’d thought they match up nicely in a battle.

Better Chance of Action

Zombieland – yah, there’s lots of gun firing and “zombie-killin’”, but just shooting off a bunch of rounds at brainless bodies isn’t action, it’s a video game.  If the zombies were vampires, however, it’d be a totally different story.

Whip It -  I guarantee we will see 3 cat fights, 2 episodes of pulling hair and no less than 6 body piercings being ripped out.

Whip it! Whip it's real bad...

Edge: Whip It

Better Chance of Comedy

Zombieland – while there’s bound to be stupid humor they’ll try to get from killing zombies, there’s a good chance we’ll also see some awkwardness humor from Jesse Eisenberg, and (for a tiny bit) Bill Murray.  Just hope they don’t rely too much on one-liners after a zombie-kill (CSI: Miami‘s Horatio has already laid claim to any cheesy death-related zinger).

Whip It -  Ellen Page is so dark and serious that she is funny ( I think).  This is also Drew Barrymore’s directing debut and if she doesn’t have legit comedy credentials, I don’t know who does…

Careful Woody, Caruso is watching...

Leading Man

Zombieland – apparentally, Jesse Eisenberg is making a name for himself by starring primarily in movies that end in “land” (the other being Adventureland).  Otherwise we’d just know him as “Michael Cera with a jew-fro”.  Woody Harrelson, meanwhile, it out to prove that rednecks with guns can be good for this country.    

Whip It-  This is a women empowerment movie.  They don’t need men.  That is why they got Jimmy Fallon…

Edge: Zombieland

When they make a movie for Candyland, guess who's gonna be called?

Leading Woman

Zombieland – Emma Stone is hot, but she was entirely unconvincing in her romantic role towards Jonah Hill in Superbad.  Then again, even Meryl Streep couldn’t act like she was attracted to that dude.

Whip It-  So, I am looking this as kinda like a League of their Own 2.  Ellen Page is  like Gena Davis and Eve is like Madonna.  Sorry Drew Barrymore-  You are the new Rosy.

why is Drew wearing flair? And by the way, who names a girl Drew?

Edge: Whip It

Preview

Zombieland- ok, we get it with the fast-motion to slow-motion camera shots.  Other than that, we see a bunch of zombie-killing and people making wisecracks about it.  I would give some points for creativity if this wasn’t basically the same premise as Shaun of the Dead.

Whip It- Ellen Page doesn’t fit in so she does what all losers do-  finds a group of social deviants and joins them in their activities.  Luckily, she ran into a group of roller derby girls and not scientologists.

Hola! Necesito un testo de stresso?

Edge: Whip It

Winner (unfortunately): Whip It

vs.

Better Name

Fame- The one syllable movie title.  It is to the point and it doesn’t mess around.  It leans over its competitor and says loudly and proudly, “I don’t  need no stinking colon.”

Capitalism: A love story - Warren Buffet and Jim Kramer take a romantic trip to San Francisco.

Tame? Subliminal messaging?

Edge: Fame

More obnoxious Quote

Fame- “Everything you’d like to change about yourself, all the parts of yourself that you keep secret, it’s your power…”  — when you’re a superhero, it’s a good thing.  When it involves gerbils, tranny hookers, or level five thetins, not so much.

Capitalism: A love story - “From Michael Moore, the most dangerous film maker of our time”– Yah.. If he sat on you.

Edge: Capitalism: A love story

Leading Man

Fame – More like leading men.  This movie has more good looking young studs than the Kentucky Derby.  YUM.

Capitalism: A love story - Michael Moore thinks people avoid him because they are trying to dodge the issues.  It is probably more because he looks like a homeless person and smells like a month old Fillet O’ Fish.

Young? No... Stud? Yes

Edge: Fame

Leading Woman

Fame – Many women, none of which are Hilary Duff-  Good enough for me.

Capitalism: A love story - Michael Moore has moobs.  Does that count?

much better....

Edge: Fame

Preview

Fame- Dancing, singing, and acting?  Is this a school that people attend to become waiters?

Capitalism: A love story – Just once, I would love to see security start beating on Michael Moore.

Maybe if we all concentrate really hard we can influence the next target of police brutality.

Edge: Capitalism: A love story

Winner: Fame

Jennifer’s Body

Synopsis: Hot girl eats men.

Troy: A man’s blood and soul are not necessarily the most outrageous things that hot girls believe they’re entitled to.

Torch: Vampires and zombies and goths– oh my!

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The Informant!

Synopsis: Wannabe spy exposes the evils of corn.

Troy: Based on the poster, it looked like Damon was angling for an Oscar by playing a special needs character.

Torch: Fun fact- Matt Damon’s mustache actually wrote the other half of Goodwill Hunting.

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

Synopsis: Inventor creates food-rain.

Troy: You think it’s a novel idea…until you consider all the poor cooks this puts out of work.  This means no more Iron Chef people!

Torch: I still don’t get why it rains giant food.  Why not just normal size?

Love Happens

Synopsis: Two people accidentally fall in love.

Troy: Love Happens…when two financially independent, attractive, same-race, single people spend time together.  Real edgy there.

Torch:What a piece of “love” movie…

Bright Star

Synopsis: John Keats and love.

Troy: Hey Keats, you suck!  That’s what we call an (Ode on a Grecian) Burn.

Torch: I dare you to name a movie about a poet that wasn’t riveting.

vs.

Better Name

Surrogates-Horrible images of Juno and Baby Mamma flashed through my mind when I first heard this movie title.

Pandorum – echoes of “Pandora”, the chick that just couldn’t keep her grubby fingers off the box that released all evil.

Edge: Pandorum

Premise

Surrogates- People plug in to a machine and control robots out in the real world.  This allows them to live isolated lives hooked into machines all day (livin’ the dream).  They can feel pleasure through the surrogates (how else would they infuse sex into the story line) but somehow can not experience pain.  This lovely world ends when someone figures out how to kill people through their surrogates.  Oh my!

Pandorum - What?!  Some unfortunate astronauts on a ship in deep space find themselves haunted by something mysterious?!  Alien–>Event Horizon–>Supernova–>Solaris… that’s what we call “trending down”.

Interesting, as long as it steers clear of the plot lines from Avatar, The Island, Terminator 1-3, Gamer, I-Robot, Bicentennial Man, The Matrix 1-3, Stepford Wives, and The Parent Trap

Edge: Surrogates

Leading Man

Surrogates – This movie is awesome because not only do we get bald, angry looking Bruce Willis, but we also get his robot played by long-haired- nice-guy Bruce Willis.  This is great for Bruce, cause he has been in a slump lately and now has 2 chances to break out of it!

Pandorum - Ben Foster plays creepy (3:10 to Yuma) and creepier (Hostage) because he looks creepy.  Age hasn’t made him less creepy.  I’d go with him as the bad guy, even if that doesn’t make sense within the context of this movie.  Dennis Quaid is somehow a wannabe Kevin Costner, yet manages to produce even more mediocre movies than his idol.

Bruce Willis is so awesome that if he could be a robot of anyone, he would be himself but with bad hair

Edge: Surrogates

Leading Woman

Surrogates - Um..  if you could be a robot of anything, why would you ever want to be a woman?  With that said, Rhada Mitchell plays Willis’ partner and helps him by probably asking questions that need to be answered in order to develop the plot.

Pandorum - the only thing I know about Antje Traue is that there is no way to pronounce the “ntj” sound in the English language.

Rhada looks like she could be an Olsen triplet. If that triplet happened to actually eat food and not chain smoke.

Edge: Surrogates

Preview

Surrogates - Too many sci-fi movies start off with the preview being a commercial for some futuristic product. They are somewhat forced to do this in order to explain the premise of the movie, but this one drags on for too long, and doesn’t make much sense.  We also get the obligatory human face ripped off to reveal robotic inner workings.  Snore.

Pandorum - Really, with these horror movie previews, you can usually stir intrigue by showing a bunch of scared/disheveled people…and this preview is no exception.  We’ll even forgive the laughable baby-alien-thing that pops up at the end:

Not the strongest part of the preview...

Edge: Pandorum

Winner: Surrogates

vs.

Premise

Love Happens- Romantic comedy about a guy who doesn’t want to be a motivational speaker (but somehow ended up being one) falling in love with a hot florist.  3 parts romance/1 part comedy

The Informant! - a corporate insider threatens to expose his company.  Only his company just sells corn, the informant is in love with being a spy, and, because he wants others to know it as well, he’s not very good. Yeah, we’re laughing at you Michael Clayton and The Insider.

Edge: The Informant

Leading Man

Love Happens- With his two major roles being from Thank You for Smoking and The Dark Knight, Aaron Eckhart is  the man.  Plus, he could probably store at least a pound of rations in his chin cleft if you ever took him on a camping trip.

The Informant! - Good Will Hunting, Saving Private Ryan, Rounders, Ocean’s Eleven, Bourne Identity, The Departed…would somebody even bat an eye if you told them those were your 6 favorite films? Those chin rations won’t save you against this barrage of movies Aaron.

Edge: The Informant

Leading Woman

Love Happens- Jennifer Aniston is clearly hot, and clearly famous for one role she played quite a while  ago (no, not from Office Space).  Jennifer, you have been with an actor, a musician, and a comedian.  You need to round out with an athlete and I just happened to be captain of my high school baseball team.

The Informant – There, uh, is no leading lady.  Rusty Schwimmer is the closest thing, but…it’s just never a good thing when you’re female and your name is “rusty”.

Edge: Love Happens

when I was in High school, even I wanted this haircut

Preview

Love Happens- This preview hits a home run with an 0-2 count.

Strike one- Couple meets by bumping into each other.  Really guys?  Nothing better than that?

Strike two-  The main male character says he has to go and then we see him running through a forest backdrop  so fake it makes the Hills look like a documentary.

Homerun-  Hollywood’s amazing ability to name movies.  See how they took a popular idiom and replaced one word with the word love?  It works great.  Try it on your favorite.  ( Mine are, ” he bit off more than he could love”, and “It’s raining cats and love.”)

The Informant! - reels you in, making you think it’s a serious conspiracy film, then BAM…hits you with the comedy.  Solid work preview makers.  The only request I have: more shots of that ‘stache.

Edge: The Informant!

X-Factor

Love Happens- The soundtrack to a preview is very key.  And although the Goo Goo Dolls “Better Days” has been used 38 times before, it still gets single female rear ends into movie theaters and sobbing.

The Informant – We have “Flight of the Valkyries” for this background song…too overplayed, and doesn’t really fit.  Besides, do you know what a Valkyrie is?  (“Tom Cruise” will not be accepted as a valid answer).

Edge: Love Happens

Winner: The Informant!